Quick Links
Quick Links
Quick Notes
Quick Notes
MH at the movies. All reviews are copyrighted to the respective author, all content is down to the author. If you would like a copy of a review on your site it would be polite to ask the Author rather than simply stealing other peoples work. Generally you will get a nod of approval.
|
Top Submitters
Top Submitters
Random Reviews
Random Reviews
Quick Stats
Quick Stats
Reviews: 414
Views: 38,333
Categories: 12
|
Current Viewers
Current Viewers
1 User(s) are browsing this page (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
|
|
|
Plot Outline
Jackson Curtis is a failed writer who has published one novel that sold four hundred or so copies. His day job is as a chauffeur to the rich and famous, including a Russian godzillionaire. Mr Curtis has also separated from his wife, who is seeing a surgeon, and is losing the affection of his two children.
It’s weekend with Dad for the kids and Jackson takes them on a hiking trip to Yellowstone National Park. Ominously a few earth quakes are jolting California at the time. At Yellowstone a lake has simply vanished, this dude not see the BBC tele-movie? – and the Army are pretty thick on the ground. Curtis meets one of those long haired lefties who is talking end of times, Government conspiracies, and Yellowstone going up in the mother of all volcanic eruptions.
Meanwhile earnest Government scientist Adrian Helmsley is predicating global destruction based on the planets being in alignment, unprecedented solar flares, and the Mayan calendar which runs out in December 2012.
The clock is ticking and as things start to spiral out of control quicker then a U.S foreign military adventure Jackson Curtis is hell bent on saving his family, Adrian Helmsley is adamant about saving humanity’s soul, and the Spice Girls are announcing another re-union tour.
Ready to watch mass destruction with a background of poor scripting? |
Movie Review
"When they tell you not to panic... that's when you run!" – Jackson Curtis
This was a take your kid to the flick, leave your brain at the door, and get ready for implausible science and even more implausible characters, scenario for yours truly. And seeing as it was apparently Roland Emmerich last disaster movie I wasn’t going to miss an opportunity to see it on the big screen with those funky new cinema sound systems. About the only thing missing was perhaps a series of 3D scenes and sparkling vampires. Oh wait New York City didn’t get destroyed either, your slipping their Emmerich, time to hang up the wrecking ball Bro. So going in expecting a “B” grade Boredwood conveyer belt big budget extravaganza did I get value for my overpriced ticket and sugar enhanced snacks?
Firstly I’m going to say 2012 was not a good movie, understatement there, and it had very few redeeming features (more on those later). About the only people who are going to enjoy this big ball of mutual destruction are brain dead tweens of the type who think Transformers was worthy of an Oscar or two. Yes low end of the gene pool time here folks. 2012 is like that big fat dumb ginger haired kid with poor personal hygiene you used to have in your class back in High School, who had the saving grace of diverting the Bullies attention from your own short comings. It’s not a good experience but it does have it’s benefits.
Scripting wise this one borders on something Stephenie Meyer might concoct in her cave of despair somewhere below Salt Lake City. Hey how come the Mormons never get the big bitch slap from God in Boredwood flicks? We open in 2009 with Government Scientist Adrian Helmsley discovering the Mayans may have been right all along with not renewing their Readers Digest subscriptions post 2012. Adrian visits his friend, another Scientist, in India who is doing research in the World’s deepest cooper mine. Apparently the earth’s core is heating up due to some particle or other being fired off from massive solar flares. Well okay it made as much sense as most of these movies do. Adrian predicts that on December 21st 2012 human life may be gonzo due to the rapid shift of the Earth’s crust and the reversal of the magnetic poles. He shares the information with Gov sharp shooter Carl Anheuser, who immediately sets in motion a plan to save the world’s wealthiest and smartest, and also ensuring the Audience has a Government conspiracy to get all hot and bothered about. In Hollywood’s reality, the Government is always lying to us and Vampires sparkle in the daytime. Fast forward to 2012 and Jackson Curtis, your everyman for the evening, is trying to retain some contact with his family after a divorce. Before you can scream out “we were warned by those Mayans” the entire Curtis clan, including Mom’s new love interest, are barely escaping one disaster after another, including Woody Harrelson hamming it up like a pig farmer on ‘roids.
I’ll get to why you may want to go see this movie shortly.
Through out the course of the movie the coincidences stack up to such a degree that you are left wondering if the Writers weren’t trying to create a virtual tower of Pizza. Mom’s new love interest is a pilot, okay he’s done a couple of lessons but who needs more when things are going boom, so queue a couple of scenes where that is going to come in handy. One of Jackson’s clients is a fabulously wealthy Russian, you don’t think that’s going to help out Curtis at some stage do you? And the cherry on top of this molten sundae, Jackson just happens to run into some lunatic dude that has a map to where the Government is building something to save those who can afford to be saved. Actually I shouldn’t be too harsh about the richest being saved thing, Emmerich covers himself by having a character remark that they couldn’t build their secret life preserver without private sector involvement. That’s about the only time Emmerich does cover himself, but hey he’s giving it a go. Spot the coincidences for yourself, there’s a whole bunch of them going down.
Almost up to the saving grace for this film.
Probably more disappointing, in terms of getting a decent movie, is the fact that Emmerich like Baz Luhrmann is simply rehashing the same movie over and over again. There’s nothing much new here, the whole Mayan thing and a side trip into Buddhist belief being marginal at best, and everything has been written for the lowest common denominator mall rat. There’s not a single story arc that you wont see lumbering over the hill, every disaster movie cliché is rolled out, polished up, and reaches new extremes, and the Actors are left stumbling over the most abysmal lines outside of a Super Hero epic. Emmerich is simply doing the same thing on a more epic scale that he did with The Day After Tomorrow.
It seems in every movie Roland Emmerich makes there is going to be one scene that will sum up how completely unrestrained the Director is going to be. In Independence Day the use of nukes after the Alien ships are shown to have force fields, in The Day After Tomorrow it’s the CGI wolf pack, and in 2012 its Jackson Curtis being able to outrun a pyroclastic flow!
I’m not even going to start talking about the pacing of 2012, Emmerich is making fundamental errors there and the movie clocks in at approx an hour too long in running time.
Having said all the above 2012 is saved from being a complete disaster, hehehehe, by some pretty impressive scenes of destruction. California going down was highly impressive, loved the sky scarpers being deep sixed, the Yellowstone eruption was simply awesome, and no one quite does a tsunami like Emmerich. To be honest, the movie sucks, but you still need to catch it on the large screen to get the full value of the Director’s vision for the mayhem going down, it’s a thing of beauty.
John Cusack (Jackson Curtis) almost brings his role off, but it’s so poorly written that Cusack is struggling throughout with poor dialogue, clichéd happenings, and an avalanche of poor science. Amanda Peet (Kate Curtis) equally hasn’t got a peg to hang her hat on but manages to make it through to the end credits without staring at the camera or showing the sort of concern an Actor might feel if there was any chance of a sequel. Chiwetel Ejiofor (Adrian Helmsley) is actually pretty impressive playing the wide eyed innocent facing political shenanigans. Unfortunately he does have to labour through the typical Emmerich emotive speech, a disaster of more biblical proportions that any of the ones shown in the movie. Oliver Platt (Carl Anheuser) also won some nods of approval for a solid effort in a regrettable role.
No luck on the T&A, it would have distracted attention from yet another skyscraper tumbling over.
Harald Kloser and Thomas Wander delivered on a score that I took zero notice of, I’m good that way. Check out the CD if you’re a completist.
|
Summary
Well wrap me in plastic and call me the Christmas turkey, I got a movie that delivered on exactly what it promised. Huge levels of “B” grade destruction and Yellowstone erupting. The movie is absolutely terrible in most facets but the scenes of destruction were pretty well conceived. Must admit to getting bored at stages, 2012 is an uneven ride at best, and thought they could have cut an hour out of this one without losing anything in the process. Guess end of day I was entertained in parts, didn’t go in with huge expectations, and managed to stay awake during the dull bits.
Without the box office figures at hand thought I would mention the trailers they threw my way prior to the movie. There was a rom-com, forget it’s name, that looked interesting. New Moon got a plug, and looked as retarded as Twilight. And Paranormal Activity had me sniggering over the door being clearly pulled closed via a string, “this generations The Exorcist” apparently, guess the same Critic thought Twilight was pretty good as well. My son is keen on catching Paranormal so guess we’ll check that one out next month.
If you like mass destruction, zero in the plot department, and a pretty brain dead experience then dig on into 2012. The movie is never going to be a classic, or even remembered fondly, but it does deliver on exactly what you are expecting to see. A movie for a Saturday Avro when you have nothing else going down. Did I mention Yellowstone erupts? |
|
Reviews -> General Movie Reviews -> 2012 *Snap Judgement*
